The Mitchel Report

Olde Wade doesn't have any canceled checks or receipts or anything that would actually constitute proof in a court of law, but I had it from a good source that Jim Abbott used HGH. He never gave up the dream of growing a second hand.

Keith Hernandez used HGH to try and grow a second penis. Apparently his first got an infection from one of those tranny Thai boys.

That's the truth America. Handle it.

Wade on Special Ed

From experience Olde Wade knows that deaf girls like it from behind.

I'll leave it up to your imagination what she's saying there, but let me tell you, it's nasty.

What I'm thankful for.

I'll tell ya what ol' Wade's thankful for...
Morning-After Pills.

I used to keep a satchel of them
in my equipment bag
right next to the sunflower seeds.

They really were a life-saver for me.
Not for those unborn children, though.
They actually more of a life-ender.

Fried Chicken, Sweet Nectar of the Gods

Because of the whole Barry Bonds disaster a lot of people have been asking olde Wade if he used steroids during his playing days.

The only thing I have to say to is if you consider fried chicken a performance enhancer then I am guilty as charged. Put an asterisk made of chicken bones on my hall of fame plaque, because I ate a bucket before every game.

And I will punch the man in the damn face who thinks there is anything wrong with that.

Although I will say, it was around the same time that I switched to the organic free range chicken that my numbers started to decline. There was something the Colonel put in his extra crispy that kept olde Wade feeling strong.

Be good people,
because Wade is watching.

I Once Killed A Man With A Hot Pretzel

he looked at me funny.

and i didn't laugh.

To Set the Record Straight

I've been in the Yankee locker room.
I've seen grown men naked.
I've seen Don Zimmer's flabby white ass.
And frankly I think it made me a better ball player
and a better man.

Wade caught this fish but threw it back

Because I'm a good person and have enough records in my illustrious baseball career, I decided not to take the record on this too.

And for that I'll let the young feller who caught that fish buy me a ice cold miller lite.

I speak of Champagne and Niagara Falls

Olde Wade doesn't mean to complain here, but is this really it?

Is this the only kind of endorsement deals a first ballot hall of famer gets today. What a sad world it is where the only man to hit a home run for his 3000th hit is reduced to doing hair replacement ads (regardless if I now have the mane of Stallion).

It pains Wade to live in world where a man like A-Rod, a man who wears purple lip gloss, gets multi-million deals from Nike.

Check out these stats:

* All-star:1985-1996
* Gold Gloves:1994 and 1995
* Silver Slugger:1983, 1986-1989, 1991, 1993, 1994
* AL leader in batting average in 1983, 1985-1988
* AL leader in hits in 1985 with 240
* AL leader in doubles in 1988 and 1989
* AL leader in On-base % in 1983, 1985-1989
* AL leader in runs in 1988 and 1989

Just do that, A-Rod!

Let's get olde Wade a Nike commercial. He's earned it.

Have a seat...

Welcome to my humble abode, or to all my Spanish speaking friends south of the border, mi casa.

My home is a sanctuary. A place of rest. A place where a man can drink 63 ice cold miller lites and contemplate victories past. Like going 3-4 with a double and then finding your way into a threesome with two Vasser freshmen.

Memories.

Thats what I think about while sitting on my plush white leather couch.

Be good out there and never forget Wade is watching.